Say something nice to yourself today!

The things which we say to ourselves will affect our feelings, thoughts, behaviour, physical state and communication. We can learn new habits of challenging the old, unhelpful statements we make in our heads and over time we can learn to replace them with positive statements, which re-inforce the idea of the person we want to be and how we want to care for ourselves.

There is a multi-directional loop between self-talk, thoughts, feelings, behaviour, beliefs, external communication and physical state.  Any negativity in one area will affect the other areas.  Equally, a positive change in one area will have an impact over time on the other areas.  So if you say positive things to yourself it will have an impact on your behaviour and thoughts, and therefore, over time, will help change unhelpful beliefs which you may hold about yourself.

For example, if we say something kind to ourselves, it might make us smile, it is very likely to make us relax, it might make us stand more upright and look more confident. If we say positive things to ourselves, that will be communicated non-verbally to others, and will improve our communication with them. Positive self-talk implies that we accept ourselves as we are, with our own individual attributes and imperfections. It allows us to present our true selves to the world. Effective communication is based on accepting, compassionate honesty, both to ourselves and others. If we know that, generally speaking, our intention is to be kind and fair to others, why are we often not kind and fair to ourselves?

Negative self-talk is often linked to fear and the wish to protect ourselves from situations which we perceive as threatening. For example, if we fear being the centre of attention, we might tell ourselves that we're hopeless at speaking in public, regardless of whether we have evidence for that or not.  That way we avoid the underlying fear.  Because there is a positive intention in our brains which motivates the negative statements, we can thank these statements for trying to protect us, but remind them that they are getting in the way of us being the person we want to be, and therefore they need to move aside to allow more helpful self-talk to take place.

Here are some tips on how to create new self-talk habits:

Notice what you do well and congratulate yourself on it.  Anything and everything, no matter how big or small.

At the end of each day, list 2 things you did well today and 2 things you were grateful for.

If your values include treating people with kindness, consideration and compassion, decide to treat yourself in the same way.

Challenge the gremlin in your head who says unhelpful things to you. For example, if it tells you you're not as good at your job as you 'pretend' you are/people don't like you/you're no fun, etc, etc, ask it what it's evidence is for saying that.  Ask it what evidence there is for the opposite being true.  Remind the gremlin that although it is trying to protect you, it really isn't helping, and it needs to move over to let in a helpful, positive statement.  Alternatively, turn down the gremlin's voice, as if you were turning down the volume on a radio, or change it in some way. Some people give it a silly voice to take the power away from it.

When negative statements pop into your head, challenge them and think of an opposite, positive statement. Write down the positive statement and also the evidence you have which supports it.  Take the time to find evidence for these alternative, positive statements. By noting the evidence to support the positive statements, you will enable underlying negative beliefs to become unstuck and to change over time.

Watch out for statements including words like never, always, must, should and have to. (For example, 'I have to do better than this; I always get things wrong; I never sound confident'.) Challenge those words, and insert choice into statements, eg 'I could choose to approach this situation differently; sometimes I get things wrong, but often I don't'.  Including words like 'could, might, sometimes, want to' allows the choice about how to respond in any situation. Choice leads to a sense of control.

Practise saying positive statements to yourself frequently. Remember you have evidence for them. Remember also, that this is a new habit, and you are trying to replace an old, long-standing habit of saying negative things to yourself. It takes time to change a habit, so don't beat yourself up if the negative ones slip through sometimes; just challenge them and replace them with your positive statements.

When you say your positive statements to yourself, identify where your strong, positive internal voice is located in your body. What does it sound like? Make it louder and stronger when you use your positive self-talk. Notice the sense of confidence it gives you. Lift your head and smile.

Enjoy finding kind, realistic, valuing things to say to yourself. Be proud of who you are now and your ability to change yourself, if you choose to.