Towards or Away From: Inside Out

How do you know where you're really trying to get to?  I was working with someone a while ago who was insistent that she wanted a new job.  I had a gut feeling that there was something which didn't quite add up about this goal, because she seemed to like quite a lot about the job she had, but because coaching is about the client's agenda, we started to work on the goal she said she wanted.

As we worked through everything she would need to get a new job - developing all the confidence she needed, the self-belief and effective communication - it became clear that the thing which had brought her to coaching wasn't really wanting to work towards the next stage of her career, but to move away from something she didn't want.  Her workplace was full of conflict and she hated it.  It didn't allow her to be the person she wanted to be.  As she became more confident and clear about what she really wanted, through her coaching, her behaviour in her workplace started to change.

After 3 or 4 sessions she came along and said, 'I don't want to leave anymore. At the moment, it's right to be where I am.  I'm not quite sure what's happened, but suddenly everything's different'.  She had changed how she was in her work situation and she felt differently.  On the outside it might have looked as if she hadn't done anything, but on the inside she had moved away from the thing she had disliked.  The changes she had made to the way she thinks had affected how she acts at work.  This had made an impact on what happened around her, and she had also become able to distance herself from other people's issues.  She had learnt some new ways of looking at things which prevented her from walking away from what was the right job for her at the present time.  When the time is right she will move on, because she knows her direction, but at the moment she's where she wants to be.

Coaching is about movement and development, but it's important to know where you're starting from, what you're moving away from, to make sure that you get the timing and the goal right, so you move towards the thing you're really looking for.

Superwoman and the tyranny of the oven

I hate my oven.  Does anyone else?  It's never clean and it taunts me as I walk past it.  It says 'hey, loser, your life is out of control.  You haven't cleaned me since you moved in here (true) and you have failed as superwoman'.

I'm good at challenging unhelpful thoughts and I can change my feelings about things fairly easily, but this oven is getting the better of me at the moment.  Even though I've got loads of work to do and another exam to study for, I just had to try cleaning it just now, but no!  It's impossible!  No product works, and no amount of frantic scrubbing will move the congealed evidence of  last week's extra cheesy pizza, or last night's over full lasagne dish.

You may be wondering, 'do I care about this woman's oven?' and I'm thinking, 'why, why, why do I care about something that no-one can see anyway?', but the thing is, it represents something that I've never quite come to terms with.  That I'm not superwoman.  Why does that bother me?  Isn't it society that tells me I should have a brilliant career, amazing children, fantastic husband and beautiful home?  (The children and husband are doing fine.)  Isn't that all a bit shallow, though, and shouldn't I be able to decide for myself what matters?

Yes, definitely, but it's not as easy as that.  The pressure on women to have everything, do everything and be everything is enormous still, despite people talking about how we can now choose which path to take and we will be valued either way (oh yeah?).  If you're a career woman who doesn't focus on family and home, you can still be criticised for being 'unfeminine' - get your Cath Kidston pinny back on! - but if you give priority to your family, there is still a real risk of not being taken seriously in the workplace -'still working around the school run, love?'. 

So what do we do?  We carry on trying to do a bit of everything...and I will carry on hating my oven until society really, non-judgementally, lets women make true choices about work and family.  In the meantime, though, I'll also try to do my bit to help women make real choices about their lives and to feel confident about living according to what's really important to them.  Deal with that, oven!